All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it because I queefed?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
