i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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