Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
