I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
