Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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