Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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