What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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