My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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