I cannot find my penis.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
