It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
