Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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