I haven't been this sober since birth.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
