This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
