I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
