The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
