My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
