Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
