My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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