I'm passing your future prison.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
