Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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