I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
