dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
