I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can Purell be used as lube?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
