i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
