I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
