When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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