Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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