Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
