I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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