I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
