I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
