I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
