Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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