I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
