There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
