I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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