good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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