My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
