A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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