How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
