Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
