You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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