this beer tastes like vomit already
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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