if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
