I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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