Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
