I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
