I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
