Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
