you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
