At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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