I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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